HONOLULU (HawaiiNewsNow) – This Mental Health Awareness Month, advocates are asking to consider how financial stress can exacerbate mental illness. His message comes in the wake of the tragedy in Manoa and as survivors of the Lahaina wildfires continue to try to rebuild their lives.
For the Culhane family, the loss of their patriarch 12 years ago changed their lives forever.
“It’s been hard for us to say the word suicide because there’s so much stigma and shame and condemnation, and it’s definitely not the reason I want to remember my husband because he had so many other amazing things,” said his wife Sara Culhane.
Culhane says her husband, Tom, began struggling with mental illness two years before his death because of money, social pressure and his own unresolved childhood trauma.
He was very good with children. But I know that only in his spirit, he may not feel enough, he said.
He was concerned that we bought a house on the big island, at the height of the market. And then the big crash happened in 2008. So he was worried, we were saying more than the house was worth. Just that hopelessness he must have felt.
He said they sought medical help.
So many trips to the doctors. “Many tried this drug, tried this drug and nothing seemed to work,” Culhane added.
Then one day he found Tom on the beach. He had taken too much medication and never woke up.
James was 9 years old. Sophia 6. Culhane said she didn’t tell them at first.
How do you tell your kids that dad killed himself? she said We never understand why. That’s between Tom and God.
He didn’t know if that was his intention. I don’t think I’ll ever know, said Culhane, who worried about how her children would process the suicide.
You don’t want to put the same fear on them. It’s probably even the hardest part of walking and not fully understanding why, but also not wanting Sophia or James’ fear to think that mental health possibly runs in our family.
The family turned to faith and resources like Kids Hurt Too, a nonprofit organization that offers counseling, peer support groups, counseling and activities for grieving families.
That was a big part of the healing journey just being around other kids who have also experienced loss or just challenges in general and not feeling like they were alone, Culhane said.
Mental health experts say talking openly about financial difficulties can help break a cycle of hopelessness and reduce stigma.
We are there to be the safe space for them and to be the friendly, caring shoulder they can lean on, said Walker Rowsey, executive director of Kids Hurt Too.
Our culture can be very hesitant to talk about money or financial stress, there’s a lot of pressure to be the best we can be, right? … And that pressure can often lead to shame for those who don’t have it, Rowsey added.
Research shows that financial hardship from the financial crisis, homelessness are massive risk factors for suicidal ideation and suicide attempts.
Rowsey lost her own mother to financial stress during the global financial crisis of 2008. She says if she had shared her struggle with others, she might have found another way.
She would have felt less pressure to perform and succeed financially, she would have known she couldn’t have done much to improve her situation because the whole planet was in freefall at the time, she said.
Rowsey says loved ones are often left with feelings of abandonment and guilt.
It’s not his fault. There is nothing they personally could have done to change the situation. It was a disease, and we must treat it as such. And think of it as such. Also, many of these family members can be strengthened by abandonment. And again, that goes back to that it wasn’t a choice, it wasn’t an option for them. They were very, very sick. They were not abandoning family in any way, nor their loved ones in any way. They simply succumb to the disease, Rowsey explained.
Rowsey says that in today’s economic times, she sees more families devastated by mental illness.
No one ever decides to commit suicide. It is always inherently a mental illness. It is always inherently a disease. A healthy brain doesn’t have suicidal ideation, he explained.
There are more people struggling in this state than not, he said. We really need to normalize this experience, because it’s the norm here.
When we keep these things inside, they manifest in different ways, Culhane said. And as God says, you have to bring it into the light in order to heal that darkness, so I’m always good with kids. And it’s okay to talk about it for the sake of talking about it.
Those with suicidal thoughts may justify it as a way to help loved ones, but the opposite is true: causing more trauma.
It’s just a transfer of pain, Culhane said.
So the pain that they feel, that they feel is the only solution to whatever problems they have…all it does is transfer their pain to the people who are left behind.
Along with feelings of abandonment and guilt.
He won’t bring it back. I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault. There was nothing I could have done differently, Culhane said. I think my faith is what keeps me going day by day. It’s not easy as a single mother, and it’s not easy to walk with this story.
Having that community that you can go to, I think is the key and not being isolated and alone, he added.
Along with loss, also joy. Daughter Sophia, now 18, is one of the youngest longboard world champions and is giving back to the community that helped her.
We see the father in the rainbow, so every time the going gets tough, God puts a rainbow in the sky. But there’s a rainbow on every board he has, Culhane said. He is with her in every wave.
RESOURCES
If you or someone you know is experiencing a mental health crisis, call or text 9-8-8.
If you think you may be experiencing symptoms of mental illness and aren’t sure where to start, take a free, private mental health test at mhascreening.org to determine next steps.
For information and resources, visit Mental Health America of Hawaii online at mentalhealthhawaii.org, e-mail info@mentalhealthhawaii.org or call (808) 521-1846, Monday Friday, 9 am to 5 pm
For more information on Kids Hurt Too programs, visit kidshurttoo.org.
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