EATONTOWN – Every night as the sun went down, Clarisse Mendozas clenched her jaw.
There was so much anxiety running through me, I would be gritting my teeth, she said. You just didn’t know what kind of night you would have with the baby.
Mendoza, a 28-year-old Bradley Beach resident, became a mother in October with the birth of son Rafael, who arrived two weeks early. For the next two months, I couldn’t sleep, she said. As tired as I was, my brain wouldn’t shut off. I’m sleeping so it was a surprise for me.
Mendoza wondered: Is this the new normal? Frustration boiled over.
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It took me a long time to come to terms with my anger, she said. I would get very angry, sad, annoyed, all these emotions.
By mid-December, he said, he knew he needed help.
Mendoza was dealing with perinatal mood and anxiety disorder (PMAD), which is more commonly known as the umbrella term for postpartum depression. She felt isolated but not. The National Institutes of Health estimate that up to 20% of women experience significant symptoms of depression or anxiety during or shortly after pregnancy.
For her first Mother’s Day, Mendoza wants others in her shoes to know that they are not alone and that help is not far away.
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“There’s a stigma, and they were killing it”
In 2011, Red Bank resident Lisa Tremayne launched a PMAD support group at Monmouth Medical Center in Long Branch. Tremayne, a nurse and mother of two (now in their 20s), realized that she too had suffered from the condition after giving birth, and what a difference it would have made to connect with her peers at the time.
It is the most common complication of pregnancy and childbirth, he said. All people listening to are physical diseases such as preeclampsia and gestational diabetes that affect 3% to 8% of the perinatal population. This disease, and it is a disease, we never talked about because of his mental health. So there is a stigma, and they were killing it.
The support group has become the RWJ Barnabas Health Center for Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders in Eatontown, requiring a staff of 18 and new quarter space in the Anne Vogel Family Wellness and Care Center, located on the grounds from the old Monmouth Mall.
This year we went from averaging 120 patients a week to over 200 a week, Tremayne said. We are a mother-baby program (babies come), and this year we started opening up to parents and couples and they will come.
The average duration of the program is six months.
We do a graduation for the baby’s first birthday, Tremayne said.
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Mendoza enrolled in December. She comes three days a week, attending individual therapy, group therapy, and classes on special topics such as infant sleep and infant massage. Her partner Rommel Martinez has accompanied her in some of the sessions.
It has made a world of difference, Mendoza said. When I first came I was so tired all the time. I realized: It’s okay to go through a difficult time. It’s just one season.
‘Give yourself grace’
Mendoza, who grew up in Neptune, works as a restaurant server in Asbury Park and also runs her own handmade jewelry business (which can be found on Instagram under the title Moody Little Baby). On Thursday, she showed up to group therapy wearing handmade heart-shaped earrings emblazoned with the word mom.
It was an adventurous visit. As she pulled into the parking lot, her car stalled and admissions nurse Hannah Cahill got out to literally push the sedan out of harm’s way until a tow truck arrived.
I’m not sure I would get that kind of attention anywhere else, Mendoza said.
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She then met with the other new mothers in her therapy group. They quickly calmed her down.
It’s what brings me out of the darkness, having other people who are in the same chapter of motherhood as I am and who I can relate to, Mendoza said. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to give advice, but now I’m in this position where I know moms who have kids younger than mine.
What is your advice to them?
Give yourselves grace, he said. You have to dig deep to find it, especially postpartum when you don’t feel like yourself.
The last thing you don’t feel like yourself is why Tremayne sees the term postpartum depression as a misnomer.
The number 1 symptom is not depression and feeling like you want to hurt your baby or take your life. She is a woman who just feels like something is wrong, Tremayne said. It’s, I don’t feel like myself and I don’t know why. Some people think, ‘This is motherhood; I guess that’s what you like,’ and they say nothing.
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Mendoza said something, and it changed everything. Now, when the sun goes down, his heart doesn’t sink with it.
Especially for first-time moms, it’s okay not to know everything, she said. It’s okay to ask for help.
For more information about RWJ Barnabas Healths Center for Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders in Eatontown, call 862-781-3755 (for the centers’ Livingston branch, call 973-322-9501). Or visit www.rwjbh.org/treatment-care/maternity/center-for-perinatal-mood-and-anxiety-disorders.
Jerry Carino is a community columnist for the Asbury Park Press, focusing on Jersey Shores interesting people, inspiring stories and pressing issues. Contact him at jcarino@gannettnj.com.
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